Fat – An Honest Approach
I am fat. It’s just a simple truth. I’m fat, but I don’t see it as a bad thing. I see my being fat as a horrible thing. To clarify…I don’t hate myself. I actually love myself, sometimes a bit more than is healthy for one’s own mental well-being, but I hate the fact that I’m fat. I guarantee at least one person will comment to me about how I’m not fat…but I can say I’m fat. I can say whatever I want about myself. And as I said…I don’t hate myself…I just hate my fat. So let me lay down why I consider myself fat and why I hate being that way.
Let’s face it, I’m not exactly the picture of health and wellness. My weight is way over what it should be and my BMI is larger than my bra circumference. Clothes don’t fit and some days I find going up the stairs to my apartment to be a full cardiovascular workout. My legs sometimes hurt and I’m pretty much a massive health problem waiting to happen. Let us start off with Type II Diabetes which is primarily caused by an excess of body fat. Diabetics have to poke themselves with lancets and needles…and I’m not a fan of needles…let alone poking myself with them on a daily basis. Yeah…so according to my own form of algebra, if being fat + diabetes = needles daily and if needles daily = sucks….then diabetes sucks and being fat also sucks. Moving on to cancer. I’m not a fan of cancer…and my family has had quite enough experience with this disease. I won’t go into specifics, but between my relatives it seems that my breasts, my pancreas, my liver, and numerous other organs are at risk all because of an excess of body weight. Cancer isn’t cool and I think my family has spent far enough time in chemo rooms. If getting rid of the fat will reduce the risk of cancer, then I’m willing to do whatever it takes to change my body and my lifestyle just to avoid ever having to add an Oncologists’ card to my rolodex. I know I skimmed over breast cancer…so let me backtrack a bit. I will be perfectly honest here – I like my chest. I like how they look in shirts and I like buying cutesy fun-colored bras for them. If I lost them I’d lose one of my favorite shopping items. Just saying that I would rather like to keep my chest and I need to lose some excess fat in order to do so. Excess weight weighs heavily (pardon the expression) on other organ systems too. Fat people have a higher chance of getting: gall stones, heart disease, hypertension, hyperlipidemia, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, gastroesophageal reflux disease, degenerative joint disease, all sorts of hernias, glaucoma, hypothyroidism, osteoarthritis, pancreatitis, ovarian or colon cancer – the list goes on and on. There isn’t a single one of those problems that I would consider “cheap” to manage and because I’m incredibly concerned with money, it would seem that the cheapest way to get through life with fewer medical bills is to invest in some good workout clothes and use them so much I wear them out. Along these same lines, a closely monitored diet can do wonders in enhancing the body’s ability to ward off chronic health issues. Conditions such as hypertension, hyperlipidemia, gastroesophageal reflux, diabetes, and heart disease are all fairly easily prevented with some simple dietary modifications.
My dating life sucks and I blame this primarily on my weight. No guy wants to give the fat girl the time of day when a bunch of skinny ones are readily available. Personality only gets you so far and in a society that is so obsessed with image, no one gets to know your personality unless you look like you’re in “their league”. Don’t get me wrong here…I get my fair share of guys hitting on me but I am, and I will sound like a bitch when I say this, better than them. As I see it, I deserve better than a player, a cheater, a con-man, a momma’s boy, a tool, a loser, a guy who still lives at home at the age of 30, a guy with no job, a guy with no future plans/goals beyond working at Wendy’s, a guy with kids from 3 different women, etc. Need I go on? I probably could if you asked me to. I deserve better than what I’m catching. I don’t know much about fishing…but I do know that if you don’t like what you’re catching, you’ve got to change the bait and the lure. For all intents and purposes, I’m a great catch. I’ve got a personality like no other, I can make any situation fun, I have a variety of interests, I’m financially independent, I’ve got a job, I’m driven, I have goals for my life and my future, I have furniture in an apartment that is actually all paid for (no Rent-a-Center for me). As I see it, these all make me an excellent catch…but no one will be fishing for me without a change to the outside. I’m sort of like an oyster…a pearl inside but I have an exterior shell that few men want to take the time to crack.
Another reason for my drive to continue is that my current physical condition is keeping me from doing some things I really love. Anyone who knows me knows that I love spending money. I love shopping…I get a high from shopping. But I am limiting myself to shopping for only purses and shoes at this point because I don’t see a point in buying clothes that fit me but depress me with their size. I also love showing horses. I’m incredibly excited about moving the horse to a trainer so she’ll be ready to show but I don’t fit into my show clothes…and even when I did fit in my show clothes it wasn’t always a great fit. I want new show clothes but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for plus-size show clothing. I can’t wait to get zipped into the heavy leather chaps and wear a shirt that’s got so much bling I can be seen from the moon. But no way am I going to put bling on my current bod. Shiny things attract attention and the last thing my fat rolls need are thousands of Swarovski crystals screaming “Look at me! Look at me!” as I ride my way around the show ring. It hurts to hold myself back from show clothes because as everyone knows…I love shiny things…and I love horses…so anything that combines my love of those two things is a real loss to miss out on.
The other reason I need to shape up is because I am tired of the comments made. I don’t want to incriminate my own mom…God knows I love her…but I get tired of hearing “That would be so cute if you were 10 pounds lighter,” every time we go shopping. I know she means well…and I know she’s just speaking her mind like she taught me to do. Without her teaching me to be honest and speak my mind, I would never be able to be so candid in a blog posting. I’ve never felt fully accepted as a fat girl in my family. I sometimes think that my mom would have preferred a skinny daughter to the one she got. It’s not my fault I inherited dad’s ability to look at food and gain 5 pounds…but it does make it harder to be the daughter that my mom wants. I know that she wanted a daughter who was skinny and fearless and would fit into whatever size 2 show outfit she would pay for. I ended up being the opposite. I am short and fat and am pretty much terrified of everything. I was lucky to fit into a size 12 show top when I was in my youth. It sucks. I have vowed to myself to be the daughter that mom always wanted…which just so happens to be the person I want to be anyway. To anyone reading this, please don’t think less of my mom. She is an amazing woman and has been an amazing mom. She has been supportive and has helped me achieve my dreams. She is always behind whatever crazy scheme I put in my head. And above all, she has always meant well but has sometimes faltered on the approach. Who here can say their parents have never done the same?
So there we are. I’m fat. I own my fat. I’m not proud of my fat. I’m now determined to change the fact that I’m fat. All I ask for is your support as I do so because the end result will be the same Jessi…just a much better looking one.
